


My Last Words

by TotalFanGirl221B



Category: Cabin Pressure
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, I'm Sorry, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-19
Updated: 2016-01-19
Packaged: 2018-05-14 21:09:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5758936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TotalFanGirl221B/pseuds/TotalFanGirl221B
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Edit: it's now been put into the Marlas series Beating Heart, though other parts do not need to be read as it can be read as a stand alone fic!</p><p>Douglas sat by Martin’s side, perching on the chair beside the bed. There was not long left now, he knew, but knowing did not do anything to soothe him at all. He held Martin’s hand as tightly as he would ever hold it, stroking the back of it gently with his thumb. He had become used to these actions during their time together, but he had done it so many times these past few days. It was a comfort to himself and to Martin, feeling the warmth of the younger man’s hand and feeling the comfort Douglas provided.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Last Words

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Cabin Pressure or any of the characters!

Douglas sat by Martin’s side, perching on the chair beside the bed. There was not long left now, he knew, but knowing did not do anything to soothe him at all. He held Martin’s hand as tightly as he would ever hold it, stroking the back of it gently with his thumb. He had become used to these actions during their time together, but he had done it so many times these past few days. It was a comfort to himself and to Martin, feeling the warmth of the younger man’s hand and feeling the comfort Douglas provided.

 

The doctor had come in not so long to check up on Martin, not that there was much to check on. There was nothing they could do now, nothing they could change. Martin was ill, too ill. Douglas stared into his partner’s eyes, remembering the doctor’s words, hearing them in his head as if the doctor had just uttered them once more. There was nothing they could do, they were sorry. Douglas had acted out of character, demanding that they search for something, that they find _something._ Martin though had acted calmly, nodding his head. Of course, his world had just come tumbling down inside, but he knew there was no point in screaming about it. He had eventually, when the pair had gone home and he realised he had just been handed a death sentence. Douglas held him tight, tighter than he ever had before, and he cried. Douglas was crying, and that only set Martin off. Together they stood sheepishly in their doorway, holding on together as if their life depended on it. Soon Martin’s legs had given way and Douglas wiped both their faces, brushing his thumb down Martin’s cheek as he gazed into those scared, desperate eyes and he nodded. Martin knew what that nod meant. It was a promise, and Douglas never went back on his word. He lifted Martin up carefully, carrying his husband into their living room slowly. Never had he thought this would happen. Never.

 

Martin coughed beside him, bringing Douglas from his reverie. The younger man simply smiled, a smile that still brightened Douglas’ day despite being placed on a paling and withering face. He looked so fragile, so tired, so… _old._ The truth was he was not, though. He was young, _too_ young. Douglas had always assumed he would be the first to go, being significantly older than his other half. Apparently fate had other plans, _cruel_ plans. Douglas smiled back, an odd smile that did not feel right on his face. He had to try though, for Martin.

 

“Douglas,” Martin whispered. He could hardly speak, the older man having to lean forwards a bit more simply to catch what he was saying.

“Yes, dear?” he replied, pulling his chair in.

“I… I.” Martin was clearly debating whether to tell Douglas what he was thinking, closing his eyes for too long to blink, worrying Douglas slightly. _Not so long_.

“What is it?” he spoke softly, kissing his partner’s forehead, which seemed to get another smile from the younger man.

“I just…” he went back now to chewing his tongue, speaking cautiously. “I’m _scared,_ Douglas.” The older man stared at him, now his hand was stroking his cheek, tucking some stray curls away to the side. Oh, how he loved those ridiculous ginger curls. He sighed, wishing it would be easier than this. Wishing it did not have to end like this. Martin did not deserve this, he deserved so much more, and Douglas wanted to be the one to give it to him. To spend their last days together, not just Martin’s, and not in a hospital room with monitors and machines hooked up to the Captain.

“I know, love. I know.” He whispered in response, kissing him once more, finding it hard to resist since they had such little time left together. “But don’t worry, all right?” he told him, voice wavering slightly as tears began to burn behind his eyes. He promised himself he would not cry, knowing he needed to be strong for Martin now. “I’m right here. I am _always_ here.” He stared directly into the other man’s eyes, speaking sincerely.

“What, er…” Martin paused to cough. “What do you think will happen? W-when I go… Do you think…?” Douglas knew Martin was a sceptical person, never really having a lot of faith in anything. The question however, was no surprise to him; he had seen death before, he had watched his father die, a man who lived life as a very stubborn non-believer. His father had wondered the same thing, because there always needs to be hope. Douglas smirked at Martin, nodding his head softly.

“It will be like flying, Martin. And there _definitely_ will be something, as Arthur would say, brilliant.” The pair smiled, Martin’s smile going that little bit wider at the mention of the steward. The steward who had visited him almost every day since he was put in the hospital, who brought him toblerones every single time. Carolyn had come too, at first her character was the same, but as the days went by she began to soften and her motherly nature soon kicked in. Martin was, at first, a little uncomfortable with it all, the difference in their actions. Gradually however, he was so grateful for it. He just wished he had more time with them, to fly with them _one last time_. “If there isn’t,” Douglas continued after a moment. “I will certainly have something to say about it when I get up there.” He joked, though Martin’s smile fell a little. He managed to huff a laugh, though the thought of him leaving Douglas all alone here re-emerged in his mind and he frowned, tears forming in his tired eyes.    

 

“Hey, hey.” Douglas noticed instantly, rubbing his thumb across the bottom eyelid of his husband, hushing him. “Don’t cry, it’s all right. Everything will be OK.” Martin sniffled, rubbing at his nose, having difficulty untangling his hand from every wire plugged into him.

“I don’t want to leave you, Douglas.” He sobbed, closing his eyes tightly. Douglas froze a moment, hearing such a thought voiced by Martin for the first time. Had he been worrying about Douglas this whole time as well? The First Officer pulled Martin’s hands away from where he had now placed them over his eyes, asking him to open them. Martin did so gradually, tears slowly trickling from them.

“Don’t you worry about me, is that clear?” Douglas demanded softly, his own tears threatening to just pour out in streams. “Let me worry about that, all right? I’ll do the worrying, you’re ill.” This elicited a smirk from the younger man, sniffling once again. “I’ll get by. I’ll miss you, _of course_ I will. But I will be OK, dear.” Martin nodded in understanding, though Douglas could see he was not entirely convinced.

 

Still they sat and they waited. Douglas wanted all of this over, but he did not want it to end in this way. He was sick of the waiting, the horrible build up. Martin, he knew, was just waiting for the end. They knew it was coming, but the uncertainty of exactly when drove them insane. The doctor had visited yet again, asking all sorts of things. Was Martin comfortable, was he ready, had he said his goodbyes to _everybody,_ did he need anything. Then, “would you like me to explain what will happen?” and obviously the younger man _did._ Because if he was going to go pretty soon, he wanted to know how it would all happen. And, if Douglas were forced to admit, he was also curious. He needed to know if there would be any signs that Martin was going to go _then,_ and what they would be. The doctor smiled kindly, Douglas admiring him, suddenly feeling relief that he had dropped out of medicine. He would not be able to smile in such circumstances, and especially not when Douglas had shouted at him to do more. To find a way to save his husband, _anything._ The First Officer had apologised the next time they met, but the doctor understood, having seen and heard it plenty of times before.

 

“I don’t think you’ll feel so much pain, firstly.” He smiled, reassuring Martin immediately of that. Douglas could see a slight bit of tension left Martin on hearing the comfort. “You’re going to feel drowsy, because you’ll be finding it harder to breathe.” He continued, going slowly so that his patient could take it all in. Martin grimaced, listening to him go on but not wanting to hear what was being said. He _did_ want to know, but hearing it now made it all so… _real,_ as if before, not knowing about the whole process had made this whole thing a bit more bearable. “Then the rest of your organs will shut down, and then you will go.” He finished slightly less delicately than he had started, sensing the fear from Martin and not wanting to say that he was going to die. Douglas was grateful towards him, for helping them through such a traumatic time.

“Thank you,” he spoke, clearing his throat. He did not realise how dry it had become. The doctor looked down to him and smiled, nodding his head.

“Yes… Thank you.” Martin whispered, the doctor only just hearing him.

“I’ll leave you two now,” he left silently. Douglas turned to Martin who had somehow managed to grow even paler than before.

 

“I don’t want to, Douglas. I don’t want to _go.”_ He cried, almost bursting into tears. “I want to stay. I want to stay with _you,_ and I want to fly with you all again. To fly and just stay in GERTI and go wherever _I_ want.” Douglas held his hand tightly once more, fighting back his own tears as he watched his partner break right in front of his eyes.

“I know, I understand.” He spoke between Martin’s mumbling. “I don’t want you to go, either.” He confessed, holding on tighter. “But… but it’s just what is to be, and we can’t change that now.”

“ _Why?”_

“I don’t know.” Douglas shook his head. Martin stared at him, pausing his muttering and his crying. “I honestly don’t know, but we _can’t.”_

 

There was a long silence after that, all that could be heard was Martin’s sniffling and occasionally Douglas would ask if his partner needed anything. The silence was driving both men insane, both trapped with their own thoughts and _loathing it._ Martin could only hear one thing: “then you will go”. He would just _go._ It was, apparently, _that_ simple. One minute he would be on this earth, holding as tightly as he could to the hand of the man he loved, and the next he would disappear. He would just stop _being._ Would people remember him? Would people _know?_ Would anybody care?

 

Douglas wanted to help Martin, he truly did. He wanted to be able to assure him that everything was going to be fine, that all of this had been a dream or something, and they could both go home and just lie in bed together holding each other and just be with each other. He could not, though. And it was destroying him. He solved _everything._ He was the problem solver all of the time; the mighty Sky God Douglas Richardson, no problem too big or too small. That was all now a lie, because some problems _were_ too big. Sometimes the only problem worth fixing was the only problem he could not, and it hurt him so much.

 

“Geographical locations that begin and end with the same letter,” the older man finally brought himself to speak up. Martin lifted his eyes to the other man, confused. “Such as _Ontario,”_ he carried on, not explaining himself to Martin. Life was definitely too short to explain right now, he just had to do this. They had to have one last good memory together, one last hurrah. If that hurrah could not be flying, it would be something else they had always done. Something that had brought them closer together. Something so easy. Martin’s lip quirked as he thought now, trying to beat his partner. Obviously his coming death was not gone from his mind, but this was a nice distraction.

“Er, Argentina!” he beamed, not having played such games in so long. He and Douglas had done fun things when they found out, of course they had, but they were all complex and extravagant, things they would not do regularly. This was nice; it was casual and slow, but incredibly familiar.

“Very good,” Douglas smiled, happy they were falling back into these so easily. “Hm, Tibet.”

“I, er… hm…”

“Angola,”

“Yes, er…”

“Algeria.”

“Douglas!” Martin scowled at his partner playfully, tempted to throw one of his pillows at him. He would have done if he had the strength.

“All right, all right. Go on, I’ll wait.”

“Er, right. Thanks. Hm…” Martin thought for a while longer, but smiled soon and almost shouted “Seychelles!”

“Good one,” Douglas commented, nodding approvingly.

 

The game did not take so long before they realised there really were not many places to name, Douglas admitting that perhaps it was not the best choice of game, but it was the only one he had been able to come up with on the spot. Martin shook his head, grateful for the distraction, and such a pleasant distraction. Thankfully they did not just descend back into the awful silence that had surrounded them before their game, but instead spoke and spoke. What they spoke about were trivial matters, nothing major but they were laughing and joking and just discussing as they had before all of this had happened. At one instance they fell on to quite a sad topic of conversation, imagining what they would have done together if they would have had more time. Perhaps adopt, Martin had always wanted children and Douglas wanted to raise them with him. It did not take them long to drift from that topic, thinking about it mournfully. Instead they thought about what they _had_ done together, not just in their personal lives but in their professional one as well, which made them giggle quite often. They agreed if they could have done things differently, it would have been to get together sooner. Martin also suggested that Douglas also could have offered to do his logbooks and the flight log at least a _couple_ of times. “And ruin my streak, I think not!” Douglas had replied, eliciting a laugh from his partner.

 

They calmed down later, Martin’s eyes becoming droopy as he yawned again. Douglas watched him, trying to hold himself together still. They both smiled softly, reminiscing of the times that had been, those _brilliant times._ “Er, Douglas…” Martin yawned once more, barely keeping his eyes open to look at the other man.

“Yes, dear?”

“I’m feeling a little tired now,” he smoothed his head down on to the pillow underneath him, fighting to keep his eyes open.

“Well then, you go to sleep.”

“O-OK,” he still looked wary, though less so than before. “Promise me you’ll be here when I wake up.” Douglas could not hold the tears back, one making its escape, running down his cheek. Martin noticed, but did not say anything.

“I _promise,”_ he held on to Martin’s hand tightly, squeezing it to reassure him. He leant forward, kissing the younger man’s forehead gently, staying there for a little while longer than necessary.

“I love you, Douglas.” He smiled, finally allowing his eyes to close, Douglas having moved back.

“I love you too, dear.” His voice cracked as he sat there, stone still, still grasping Martin’s hand as the other man now slept.

 

 

 

Douglas held on to his hand all night, staying by his side, as he had promised. Martin did not wake up.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Any comments you may have are always hugely appreciated! :)


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